Post by ButterKnife on Sept 21, 2008 20:03:39 GMT
MED:Welcome Back to the Heart of the Sun; where we remain, having very little to do with our time, beyond thumb twiddling, and writing up bad jokes for our weekly blast of Gamma Radiation disguised as a review of a Serious Athletic Spectacle, because as we all know: Wrestling, like the Internetz, is Seriouz Buziness¬!!!
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Gaz Maybury vs. Deathcrush
DD: Once again we open up and Deathcrush in standing in the ring, trying to convince the world to shop at bangles and beads... or something. We all get a suprise when Gaz Maybury comes out to entrance music sang by Sir Cliff Richard. Now that is brave. The bell sounds and Deathcrush immediately tries for a chokeslam only for Maybury to kick him in the knob and punch him in the face. Deathcrush however has balls of stone and a few headbutts later Maybury is backing up.
More beatings from Deathcrush force Maybury to rethink his strategy and escape to the outside for a nice cup of tea, or as we call it in America, a baseball-slide to the face, courtesy of Deathcrush. Back inside the ring Deathcrush hoists Mr. Great onto his shoulders before dropping him, stomach first onto his knees. Chainsaw Gutsfuck for Maybury and Deathcrush gets the win. I now also have to pay Mark E. Dangerously twenty quid. Fucker.
Winner: Deathcrush via pinfall.
Adam Warlock vs. Steffan Huggett
DD: So I get the job of recapping another newbie's match. *sigh* Huggett is in the ring and staring himself down in the mirror. A guy in the crowd pays him fifty dollars to eat the contents of a mysterious brown paper bag. Huggett being the fame whore he is agrees, but before he can the lights dim. Thank god, we're saved.
We are not alone.
Imbued with the Power Cosmic.
Your saviour.
Adam Warlock.
*yawn* drop the theatrics, its only Huggett Warlock is facing, no need for this. Warlock flies down to the ring (not on a harness), glowing green with his "Power Cosmic" (not a spotlight). Huggett is still concerned with his fame and doesn't see Warlock's amazing entrance. Ding ding! Warlock starts his career by leap-frogging Steffan and flying back like an Intergalactic Rocket, taking Huggetts face off with it. A quick Lionsault (which I'm told Warlock has named The Power Cosmic and Warlock has a three count in less than two minutes.
Winner: Adam Warlock via pinfall.
Ruby Grey vs. T-Bird
DD: Do we potentially have the start of a new NOVA Women's division here? I certainly hope not. Although if it means seeing more of Ruby Grey rolling around on the floor with T-Bird then I'll be happy. And that's just what happened. T-Bird made her way down to ringside and Ruby jumped her from behind. Classic H-City. Both women bring it into the ring and T-Bird gets the advantage over the petite Ruby. More brawling on the ground until Tanya lifts Ruby up to the second rope and attempts to superplex Mrs. Rose into next week but Ruby uses those little grey cells to throw T-Bird from the top rope. A few seconds later and Ruby has lept from the top rope with a perfect Frog Splash giving her the one two three.
Winner: Ruby Grey via pinfall.
MED: Aww shit; before we get to our next match, it's Billy Fuckin' Walker, all dressed up and ready to dance. Unfortunately, he has no partner. Well, he's about to put that right, so take it, Billy; I'm off to go take a leak.
MED: Who?
Billy & Jack, the Walker Brothers V Jay Bain and Nightmare
CP: The H city gang have been beating the shit out of every single person they come across since... Well, since NOVA first started putting shows on that nobody other than us three ever seem to watch...
But anyway, on to the match. It kicked off with Billy and Jay going toe to toe, Jay using his frankly surprising strength to muscle Billy to the mat, before locking in a nasty old chinlock. Ain't no thang to Billy though, and using all that old school technical prowess and whatnot, he escaped back up to his feet before clonking a big old haymaker on Jay's nose. So, Billy tagged Jack in before Bain could see straight again
So Bain ducked the shortarm lariat that Billy threw, and he near as dammit got a pin with the crucifix pin he hooked in.
Two and a half count. Gutted Jay.
The close pin musta woke Billy up though, because, to be frank, he beat the shit out of Jay for the next few minutes, until the Northerner managed to get a quick tag into Nightmare.
Suplex.
Body Slam.
Powerbomb.
All of the above didn't happen. Don't even know why I mentioned it.
What actually happened was Nightmare and Jack ponced about for a bit, not hitting each other with sticks, not setting each other on fire, and not even riding dragons made of guns through the centre of a star about to go SuperNOVA while really cool Rock music plays in the background and fighting twenty five foot tall shapeshfting robots with swords made of plasma, snakes and more guns. I don't think that would've been too much to ask. What actually happened was Jack hit his Waimea Kick, and pinned Night.
One...
Two...
Bain came sailing off the ropes, and ended up crashing into Nightmare of all people. You see, Jack moved out the way when he saw the big idiot coming, and Bain hurt Nightmare pretty bad. This was surprisingly evident a few minutes later when Nightmare threw a chair at Bain, mashing his face up like a Reggae DJ does to his favourite tracks, yo.
Now, what would have been better here is the ref threw the rulebook out and decided to let them go, but it seems that if a member of your team hits you in the face with a steel chair, you lose.
Basically, what I'm saying is thus: Nightmare got disqualified. Jack and Billy won.
Winner: Jack and Billy (Were you not paying attention?)
Shaun Wilson & Jonathon Quigginns vs. The Huachuca City Gang, Triple J & Richard Rose
MED: Oh dear lord. Did someone order a cluster with extra fuck? The faces appear under Wilson's music [if you can call it that; Long Live Rock & Roll!] with Wilson having someone go through the crowd handing out flyers with his myspace link on it. I'd say that Facebook is the wave of the future, but they're both shit. Seriously, I don't know why I bother with the internet, when the entire planet is actually fucked. I'm sorry, this is a wrestling review, not a comment on the futility of life. [If you want one of them, check This Shit Out.]
But then, if you want an apology 'cause you're after a Wrestling Review, you're after the wrong person; go lynch the twat that books this shit, because you're not getting any Wrestling off him [it is a him, before you feminists come lynch me anyway,] for me to Review in the first place. It's absurd. Before the the good guys even hit the rin, Quinn is met with a faceful of yellow goop, and Richard Rose is literally hanging off his back. Wilson's in the ring, and I have to be honest, I don't think he much gives a flying fuck about Quinn. Can't blame him; I don't care much about Quinn, and it's my job to care. So to hell with him. The only thing that prevents Richard Rose from removing him from my sight is that he falls backwards, squishing him on the floor.
Oh Yeah, and there's that fucker with a shovel. Luckily for the crowd, there's a security rail between he and they, Quinn is less fortunate. In the end, Ruby manages to persuade him to get to the ring while Billy snatches aforementioned shovel, and puts it to good use. Jay never hits the ring, what with Gravity still being in effect, and Shaun Wilson accelerating downwards at a rate of 9.8 ms-2 and basically squashing him. Bear with me, Constant Reader, for I will relate that epic tale for you once the other part is done. Quinn and Rose, after a bit of rolling, clawing gouging, spitting and shovelling; get flipped over the barricade, where they keep brawlin' with each other, until Billy sends them on their way by flinging it at their heads.
So with the Kree and the Skrull taking their eternal war away from our planet [Marvel References Eff Tee Dub] we can get towards the ring, where you might think we're ready to begin a wrestling match. Well, there are three men in the ring, and only one of them can even pretend to wrestle and from the way he's bouncing his opponent's head off the turnbuckle pad, I'd have to conclude that he wasn't in the mood for it. Sanderson Reed has his own part to play in this circus; like pretending he can stop this. He can't, and after Wilson gets bored of breaking J's Face, he goes after his Neck. Suplexes for everyone! Especially 3J, who can't even spell Suplex! Yay!
Three different varieties of Suplex later, Wilson tries to get a poll going on which suplex he should do next; but Matches are not Webpages, and there's no "Add Poll" button in the ring, so he's forced to do it the old fashioned way: asking. And you know what? There's no handy ProBoards tool to count up the votes in Real Life, so he can't tell what the fuck the crowd want to see next. I can tell that they probably don't want to see Jay up and punch him in the back of the head, and start doing unto others what was just done unto him, only with the critical difference that he throws the turnbuckle pad away, and Wilson's face meets Cold Steel, but you know what? Tough Shit.
And like his ability to spell Suplex, Jay has no ability to do a Suplex. It's quite disturbing really; especially when Wilson lands on his face. Oh dear god. This what we're going to see next Sunday? It seems not, because the referee is giving Jay a Stern Talking To, while Wilson crawls away and just happens to find a shovel... You fucking What? A shovel. I thought that was Jay's Gimmick. Oh wait, Jay's got a shovel too. The hell are they getting these from? Is this some kind of extra-dimensional repository of tools that the Pyramid is Built on? Who cares? It's Excavation's Answer to a Duel, Shovel to Shovel, clangs and smashes, and it's all going horribly wrong.
Not for Wilson it ain't; with a flick of the wrist and a spin of his heel, he's kicking the blade of his into Jay's face, drawing blood, and now it's going the way of the pear for Don Swagganopolis. Juh-Juh-Jay is faaaar less subtle, and just bashes him down. Moving in for the kill... Wilson with the Sweep! We're back where we started with Quinn and Rose, rolling on the floor, bishing and boshing each other! Oh the Humanity!!!
Winner: No fucking contest...
Talk about your abrupt endings; but then, I don't remember the bell ever being rung in the first place here, so who knows when this schmozz was officially over, or even when it begun, but we've got fools rushing in from all over trying to stop it. Woah, Next Sunday's gonna hurt for someone. It looks like it's hurting these two already. Neither Billy nor Ruby can talk any sense to Jay, it takes the promise of some Nailin' his pair of tits on legs before we're rid of that ugly bastard; and as for Wilson? He already thinks he's won. A quick blast of Seize the Day [the official Supremacy Theme, or so I'm told.] puts him straight, but he don't care, He's Comin' For The Belt!!!
CP: The H City gang, eh? Hard as fucking bags of old cement, huh? (DD: Fucking a bag of old cement is well hard.) Well, looks like we'll find out next week at NOVAPro Supremacy!
That's right, The gang will take on Antlions, Smoke and SubZero, The Flood, Niko Bellic, Bart Gunn, Jack Bauer, Lenny Henry, Kid Rock and Jamie Madrox. Or, there'll be matches for belts, and that.
Bonne Nuit, Fuckheads!
Chris "Too much Team Fortress" Pain, Mark "Too much fucking hair" E. Dangerously, and Dan "Too much scumbaggery" Dare.
=======================
NOVA Fusion
The Pyramid
=======================
NOVA Fusion
The Pyramid
=======================
[/center]Gaz Maybury vs. Deathcrush
DD: Once again we open up and Deathcrush in standing in the ring, trying to convince the world to shop at bangles and beads... or something. We all get a suprise when Gaz Maybury comes out to entrance music sang by Sir Cliff Richard. Now that is brave. The bell sounds and Deathcrush immediately tries for a chokeslam only for Maybury to kick him in the knob and punch him in the face. Deathcrush however has balls of stone and a few headbutts later Maybury is backing up.
More beatings from Deathcrush force Maybury to rethink his strategy and escape to the outside for a nice cup of tea, or as we call it in America, a baseball-slide to the face, courtesy of Deathcrush. Back inside the ring Deathcrush hoists Mr. Great onto his shoulders before dropping him, stomach first onto his knees. Chainsaw Gutsfuck for Maybury and Deathcrush gets the win. I now also have to pay Mark E. Dangerously twenty quid. Fucker.
Winner: Deathcrush via pinfall.
Adam Warlock vs. Steffan Huggett
DD: So I get the job of recapping another newbie's match. *sigh* Huggett is in the ring and staring himself down in the mirror. A guy in the crowd pays him fifty dollars to eat the contents of a mysterious brown paper bag. Huggett being the fame whore he is agrees, but before he can the lights dim. Thank god, we're saved.
We are not alone.
Imbued with the Power Cosmic.
Your saviour.
Adam Warlock.
*yawn* drop the theatrics, its only Huggett Warlock is facing, no need for this. Warlock flies down to the ring (not on a harness), glowing green with his "Power Cosmic" (not a spotlight). Huggett is still concerned with his fame and doesn't see Warlock's amazing entrance. Ding ding! Warlock starts his career by leap-frogging Steffan and flying back like an Intergalactic Rocket, taking Huggetts face off with it. A quick Lionsault (which I'm told Warlock has named The Power Cosmic and Warlock has a three count in less than two minutes.
Winner: Adam Warlock via pinfall.
Ruby Grey vs. T-Bird
DD: Do we potentially have the start of a new NOVA Women's division here? I certainly hope not. Although if it means seeing more of Ruby Grey rolling around on the floor with T-Bird then I'll be happy. And that's just what happened. T-Bird made her way down to ringside and Ruby jumped her from behind. Classic H-City. Both women bring it into the ring and T-Bird gets the advantage over the petite Ruby. More brawling on the ground until Tanya lifts Ruby up to the second rope and attempts to superplex Mrs. Rose into next week but Ruby uses those little grey cells to throw T-Bird from the top rope. A few seconds later and Ruby has lept from the top rope with a perfect Frog Splash giving her the one two three.
Winner: Ruby Grey via pinfall.
MED: Aww shit; before we get to our next match, it's Billy Fuckin' Walker, all dressed up and ready to dance. Unfortunately, he has no partner. Well, he's about to put that right, so take it, Billy; I'm off to go take a leak.
"An' i's Mah Distinct Pleashah ta introduce mah partner... From Geiersburg, Louisiana... John... Lapsely... WAAAAAAAAAAAALLLKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH"
MED: Who?
Billy & Jack, the Walker Brothers V Jay Bain and Nightmare
CP: The H city gang have been beating the shit out of every single person they come across since... Well, since NOVA first started putting shows on that nobody other than us three ever seem to watch...
But anyway, on to the match. It kicked off with Billy and Jay going toe to toe, Jay using his frankly surprising strength to muscle Billy to the mat, before locking in a nasty old chinlock. Ain't no thang to Billy though, and using all that old school technical prowess and whatnot, he escaped back up to his feet before clonking a big old haymaker on Jay's nose. So, Billy tagged Jack in before Bain could see straight again
So Bain ducked the shortarm lariat that Billy threw, and he near as dammit got a pin with the crucifix pin he hooked in.
Two and a half count. Gutted Jay.
The close pin musta woke Billy up though, because, to be frank, he beat the shit out of Jay for the next few minutes, until the Northerner managed to get a quick tag into Nightmare.
Suplex.
Body Slam.
Powerbomb.
All of the above didn't happen. Don't even know why I mentioned it.
What actually happened was Nightmare and Jack ponced about for a bit, not hitting each other with sticks, not setting each other on fire, and not even riding dragons made of guns through the centre of a star about to go SuperNOVA while really cool Rock music plays in the background and fighting twenty five foot tall shapeshfting robots with swords made of plasma, snakes and more guns. I don't think that would've been too much to ask. What actually happened was Jack hit his Waimea Kick, and pinned Night.
One...
Two...
Bain came sailing off the ropes, and ended up crashing into Nightmare of all people. You see, Jack moved out the way when he saw the big idiot coming, and Bain hurt Nightmare pretty bad. This was surprisingly evident a few minutes later when Nightmare threw a chair at Bain, mashing his face up like a Reggae DJ does to his favourite tracks, yo.
Now, what would have been better here is the ref threw the rulebook out and decided to let them go, but it seems that if a member of your team hits you in the face with a steel chair, you lose.
Basically, what I'm saying is thus: Nightmare got disqualified. Jack and Billy won.
Winner: Jack and Billy (Were you not paying attention?)
Shaun Wilson & Jonathon Qui
MED: Oh dear lord. Did someone order a cluster with extra fuck? The faces appear under Wilson's music [if you can call it that; Long Live Rock & Roll!] with Wilson having someone go through the crowd handing out flyers with his myspace link on it. I'd say that Facebook is the wave of the future, but they're both shit. Seriously, I don't know why I bother with the internet, when the entire planet is actually fucked. I'm sorry, this is a wrestling review, not a comment on the futility of life. [If you want one of them, check This Shit Out.]
But then, if you want an apology 'cause you're after a Wrestling Review, you're after the wrong person; go lynch the twat that books this shit, because you're not getting any Wrestling off him [it is a him, before you feminists come lynch me anyway,] for me to Review in the first place. It's absurd. Before the the good guys even hit the rin, Quinn is met with a faceful of yellow goop, and Richard Rose is literally hanging off his back. Wilson's in the ring, and I have to be honest, I don't think he much gives a flying fuck about Quinn. Can't blame him; I don't care much about Quinn, and it's my job to care. So to hell with him. The only thing that prevents Richard Rose from removing him from my sight is that he falls backwards, squishing him on the floor.
Oh Yeah, and there's that fucker with a shovel. Luckily for the crowd, there's a security rail between he and they, Quinn is less fortunate. In the end, Ruby manages to persuade him to get to the ring while Billy snatches aforementioned shovel, and puts it to good use. Jay never hits the ring, what with Gravity still being in effect, and Shaun Wilson accelerating downwards at a rate of 9.8 ms-2 and basically squashing him. Bear with me, Constant Reader, for I will relate that epic tale for you once the other part is done. Quinn and Rose, after a bit of rolling, clawing gouging, spitting and shovelling; get flipped over the barricade, where they keep brawlin' with each other, until Billy sends them on their way by flinging it at their heads.
So with the Kree and the Skrull taking their eternal war away from our planet [Marvel References Eff Tee Dub] we can get towards the ring, where you might think we're ready to begin a wrestling match. Well, there are three men in the ring, and only one of them can even pretend to wrestle and from the way he's bouncing his opponent's head off the turnbuckle pad, I'd have to conclude that he wasn't in the mood for it. Sanderson Reed has his own part to play in this circus; like pretending he can stop this. He can't, and after Wilson gets bored of breaking J's Face, he goes after his Neck. Suplexes for everyone! Especially 3J, who can't even spell Suplex! Yay!
Three different varieties of Suplex later, Wilson tries to get a poll going on which suplex he should do next; but Matches are not Webpages, and there's no "Add Poll" button in the ring, so he's forced to do it the old fashioned way: asking. And you know what? There's no handy ProBoards tool to count up the votes in Real Life, so he can't tell what the fuck the crowd want to see next. I can tell that they probably don't want to see Jay up and punch him in the back of the head, and start doing unto others what was just done unto him, only with the critical difference that he throws the turnbuckle pad away, and Wilson's face meets Cold Steel, but you know what? Tough Shit.
And like his ability to spell Suplex, Jay has no ability to do a Suplex. It's quite disturbing really; especially when Wilson lands on his face. Oh dear god. This what we're going to see next Sunday? It seems not, because the referee is giving Jay a Stern Talking To, while Wilson crawls away and just happens to find a shovel... You fucking What? A shovel. I thought that was Jay's Gimmick. Oh wait, Jay's got a shovel too. The hell are they getting these from? Is this some kind of extra-dimensional repository of tools that the Pyramid is Built on? Who cares? It's Excavation's Answer to a Duel, Shovel to Shovel, clangs and smashes, and it's all going horribly wrong.
Not for Wilson it ain't; with a flick of the wrist and a spin of his heel, he's kicking the blade of his into Jay's face, drawing blood, and now it's going the way of the pear for Don Swagganopolis. Juh-Juh-Jay is faaaar less subtle, and just bashes him down. Moving in for the kill... Wilson with the Sweep! We're back where we started with Quinn and Rose, rolling on the floor, bishing and boshing each other! Oh the Humanity!!!
Winner: No fucking contest...
Talk about your abrupt endings; but then, I don't remember the bell ever being rung in the first place here, so who knows when this schmozz was officially over, or even when it begun, but we've got fools rushing in from all over trying to stop it. Woah, Next Sunday's gonna hurt for someone. It looks like it's hurting these two already. Neither Billy nor Ruby can talk any sense to Jay, it takes the promise of some Nailin' his pair of tits on legs before we're rid of that ugly bastard; and as for Wilson? He already thinks he's won. A quick blast of Seize the Day [the official Supremacy Theme, or so I'm told.] puts him straight, but he don't care, He's Comin' For The Belt!!!
CP: The H City gang, eh? Hard as fucking bags of old cement, huh? (DD: Fucking a bag of old cement is well hard.) Well, looks like we'll find out next week at NOVAPro Supremacy!
That's right, The gang will take on Antlions, Smoke and SubZero, The Flood, Niko Bellic, Bart Gunn, Jack Bauer, Lenny Henry, Kid Rock and Jamie Madrox. Or, there'll be matches for belts, and that.
Bonne Nuit, Fuckheads!
Chris "Too much Team Fortress" Pain, Mark "Too much fucking hair" E. Dangerously, and Dan "Too much scumbaggery" Dare.